1 00:00:01,727 --> 00:00:07,199 (Ben, shouting) If I had my way, I'd have every bicycle turned into scrap metal! 2 00:00:07,247 --> 00:00:10,080 Preferably with the owner still on 'em! 3 00:00:10,767 --> 00:00:13,440 Cyclists! They're a bloody menace! 4 00:00:13,487 --> 00:00:15,955 One nearly killed me just now. 5 00:00:17,287 --> 00:00:21,599 There I was driving down Hollywell Avenue, minding my own business, 6 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:25,526 and this cyclist... this... cyclist... 7 00:00:26,687 --> 00:00:28,678 He comes out of nowhere. 8 00:00:28,727 --> 00:00:33,118 I swerve to avoid him, he cuts me up and clips the side of the car. 9 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:37,285 And then, without warning, he gives me two fingers. 10 00:00:37,327 --> 00:00:39,966 Yes! Two fingers! Hah! 11 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:42,999 I haven't heard language as foul and obscene as that 12 00:00:43,047 --> 00:00:45,163 since I forgot Susan's birthday. 13 00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:06,036 I must say I was amazed to find out you still lived in this little house of yours. 14 00:01:06,087 --> 00:01:07,679 Why? 15 00:01:07,727 --> 00:01:09,718 Well, it's been 18 years, Susan. 16 00:01:09,767 --> 00:01:12,281 People move onwards and upwards. 17 00:01:12,327 --> 00:01:14,238 Well, most people do. 18 00:01:14,287 --> 00:01:17,245 It's like you've never been away, Hilary. More tea? 19 00:01:17,287 --> 00:01:21,200 No, thank you. Do you remember my eldest - Dominic? 20 00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,761 He's an international chess master. 21 00:01:23,807 --> 00:01:26,275 Yes, you said. Twice. 22 00:01:26,327 --> 00:01:30,639 And he's become UNICEF's youngest ever project leader. 23 00:01:30,687 --> 00:01:32,166 Boaster? 24 00:01:33,287 --> 00:01:34,925 Thank you. 25 00:01:34,967 --> 00:01:39,757 Tell me, whatever happened to your eldest? Nicholas, was it? 26 00:01:39,807 --> 00:01:43,402 Nick, yes. Oh, he's done extremely well. 27 00:01:43,447 --> 00:01:47,599 He's chief executive of Vaughan... Hoggedon Peterson. 28 00:01:47,647 --> 00:01:49,365 Who? 29 00:01:49,407 --> 00:01:52,479 Oh, it's a huge merchant bank. 30 00:01:53,487 --> 00:01:54,886 Oh. 31 00:01:54,927 --> 00:01:58,761 Really? Couldn't tie his shoelaces when he was ten. 32 00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:02,600 Anyway, let me explain why I've come round. 33 00:02:02,647 --> 00:02:07,198 I understand you're on the fundraising committee for Beaker Street nursery school. 34 00:02:07,247 --> 00:02:09,317 Yes. It's where my grandson Kenzo goes. 35 00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:13,201 Guess what? Now we're back in the area I've joined the committee too. 36 00:02:13,247 --> 00:02:14,566 Oh! 37 00:02:14,607 --> 00:02:16,359 Great. 38 00:02:16,407 --> 00:02:20,958 Anyway, I thought we ought to get together to make sure we don't duplicate ideas. 39 00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:24,722 You have got fundraising ideas? 40 00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:28,003 Oh, look. Here's Janey. 41 00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:32,086 You probably don't remember her. She's changed quite a bit. 42 00:02:32,127 --> 00:02:36,723 Goodness. The last time I saw you, you were running round the school playground 43 00:02:36,767 --> 00:02:39,964 with your skirt up, showing all the boys your knickers. 44 00:02:41,647 --> 00:02:43,922 Maybe she hasn't changed that much. 45 00:02:43,967 --> 00:02:46,959 Janey, this is Hilary Jessop. Dominic's mum. 46 00:02:47,007 --> 00:02:50,920 Do you remember Dominic? He's an international chess master now. 47 00:02:50,967 --> 00:02:53,561 Oh, yes. Dominic. Yes. 48 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:56,679 (Whispers) Four-eyed geek with big ears and a lisp. 49 00:02:56,727 --> 00:03:00,402 You can say hello soon. He's coming round to collect me. 50 00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:01,516 Oh. 51 00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:03,478 (Both) Great. 52 00:03:03,527 --> 00:03:07,645 That is how you keep your pastry moist. Hello, Ben. 53 00:03:09,047 --> 00:03:13,325 Oh. Nasty frown. What's up with you, Mr Grumpy Boots? 54 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:17,246 He's had a bit of a run-in with a cyclist who scratched his car. 55 00:03:17,287 --> 00:03:21,075 - Is the cyclist all right? - "Is the cyclist all right?" Who cares?! 56 00:03:21,127 --> 00:03:23,846 - Did you get a look at him? - No. But if I get my hands on him, 57 00:03:23,887 --> 00:03:28,165 I'd show him ways of using a bicycle pump he'd never imagined. 58 00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:29,799 Oh, well... 59 00:03:30,847 --> 00:03:33,645 I'll leave you to your impotent rage. 60 00:03:35,527 --> 00:03:37,040 We're off too. 61 00:03:37,087 --> 00:03:41,365 We're going to a demonstration by that cook off the telly - the one that swears. 62 00:03:41,407 --> 00:03:45,923 Yeah. Delia Smith. Pah. I didn't know you were a foodie, Roger. 63 00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:48,640 He's fantastic. He's cordoned off. 64 00:03:51,087 --> 00:03:54,875 Cordon Bleu, Abi... my little raspberry fool. 65 00:03:56,047 --> 00:04:00,757 He's a whizz in the kitchen. Yesterday he showed me how to tenderise my loins. 66 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,560 - I'm saying nothing. - Well, er... 67 00:04:03,607 --> 00:04:06,724 We'd best be off, Abi. Want to get a front row seat. 68 00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,564 - Goodbye. - Bye. 69 00:04:08,607 --> 00:04:10,006 Hello, Ben. 70 00:04:10,047 --> 00:04:12,925 Hello, darling. God, you've changed. 71 00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:16,801 - How are you? - I've no idea. I'm sorry, do I know you? 72 00:04:16,847 --> 00:04:21,159 - You remember Hilary Jessop? - Oh, yes. 73 00:04:21,207 --> 00:04:23,880 That's right. You used to be so fat. 74 00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:27,880 Well... I wasn't that big. 75 00:04:27,927 --> 00:04:31,158 Oh, you were. Oh, come on. You were enorm... 76 00:04:31,207 --> 00:04:33,198 We used to call you Fat Hilary. 77 00:04:34,927 --> 00:04:36,997 I didn't, she did. I mean... 78 00:04:38,647 --> 00:04:40,444 Isn't that interesting, Susan? 79 00:04:40,487 --> 00:04:42,682 Well, not to your face. 80 00:04:42,727 --> 00:04:46,606 Yeah, but you look great now. Now you've had all the fat sucked out... 81 00:04:47,927 --> 00:04:51,317 I'm just going to file an insurance claim. Excuse me. 82 00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:53,881 - (Doorbell) - Ah, that'll be Dominic. 83 00:04:56,207 --> 00:04:58,243 - Dominic? - Janey? 84 00:04:59,247 --> 00:05:03,240 - You've changed. - Yes. So have you. Come in. 85 00:05:08,607 --> 00:05:10,916 So... where are your glasses? 86 00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:14,004 - Laser treatment. - And what happened to your ears? 87 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,242 - Pinned back. - And the lisp? 88 00:05:16,287 --> 00:05:18,755 (Lisping) Two out of three isn't so bad. 89 00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:21,166 Only joking. 90 00:05:21,207 --> 00:05:25,439 It's been so long and there are so many questions I'd love to ask you. 91 00:05:25,487 --> 00:05:27,000 Are you seeing anyone? 92 00:05:27,047 --> 00:05:30,323 No. Dominic is rather particular about who he sees. 93 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:35,999 That's not quite accurate. It's an unpopular view these days but I'm saving myself for marriage. 94 00:05:37,647 --> 00:05:40,480 That's all right. Janey likes a challenge. 95 00:05:41,487 --> 00:05:46,163 Susan, I'm confused. Is this the entire downstairs? 96 00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:48,277 Only I can't see a dining room. 97 00:05:48,327 --> 00:05:52,206 No. We thought it would be more useful to convert it into a music room. 98 00:05:52,247 --> 00:05:56,445 Ah, yes, yes. We often gather around the piano for a recital 99 00:05:56,487 --> 00:06:00,560 whilst Mama does needlepoint in front of the open fire. 100 00:06:00,607 --> 00:06:03,644 I don't suppose you have many dinner parties then? 101 00:06:03,687 --> 00:06:06,599 We have loads, don't we? We often eat in here. 102 00:06:06,647 --> 00:06:09,081 Yeah, if there's something good on telly. 103 00:06:09,127 --> 00:06:12,437 Well, we must all have dinner some time. Um... 104 00:06:12,487 --> 00:06:15,877 I could have you over, um, or... 105 00:06:17,927 --> 00:06:21,556 - Or you could come here? - Oh, lovely. Saturday? 106 00:06:21,607 --> 00:06:23,086 Saturday. 107 00:06:25,647 --> 00:06:28,525 - Eight for eight-fifteen? - Hey, eight for eight-ten. 108 00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:30,842 - I'll bring Richard. - I'll bring Ben. 109 00:06:30,887 --> 00:06:34,766 - Thanks for the invitation. - It was easy. See you then. Bye. 110 00:06:37,007 --> 00:06:40,204 Oh, my God! 111 00:06:41,207 --> 00:06:43,243 What have I done? 112 00:06:47,327 --> 00:06:49,363 Don't do that. You'll go blind. 113 00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,278 Mikey, grab your camera. 114 00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:56,286 Nip down and photograph the damage that cyclist has inflicted on my car. 115 00:06:56,327 --> 00:06:58,636 - What cyclist? - No. You'll set him off again. 116 00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:01,360 - I'll tell you what cyclist! - Told you. 117 00:07:01,407 --> 00:07:03,682 That cyclist damaged the side of my car... 118 00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,763 - Mr Harper. - Gave me two fingers... 119 00:07:05,807 --> 00:07:08,799 - Mr Harper. - Damaged my car, gave me two... 120 00:07:08,847 --> 00:07:11,042 - Mr Harper. - What? 121 00:07:11,087 --> 00:07:14,796 Listen. If you're really that upset about the cyclist, 122 00:07:14,847 --> 00:07:17,566 you should phone West London Talk Radio. 123 00:07:17,607 --> 00:07:20,360 - What? Who? - Yeah. Call them, Dad. 124 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,284 WLTR love nutters. 125 00:07:22,327 --> 00:07:24,045 - Yeah? - Yeah. 126 00:07:24,087 --> 00:07:28,444 And, personally, I've always found your opinions very, very interesting. 127 00:07:28,487 --> 00:07:32,241 Bigoted, narrow-minded, fascist, but interesting. 128 00:07:32,287 --> 00:07:34,084 I'm not bigoted, Alfie. 129 00:07:34,127 --> 00:07:36,322 I just want to make a simple point 130 00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:40,076 that in a civilised society there's no room for cyclists. 131 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,243 Didn't you say that about doctors? 132 00:07:45,647 --> 00:07:50,357 Here. Mr Harper, I've got it on the speed dial from when I was complaining. 133 00:07:50,407 --> 00:07:52,238 What were you complaining about? 134 00:07:52,287 --> 00:07:55,518 The lack of air time given to alternative Welsh rock music. 135 00:07:55,567 --> 00:07:57,558 We don't hear enough of that, do we? 136 00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,041 I've got a voice. Might as well use it. 137 00:08:01,687 --> 00:08:05,396 Hello? Yes. My name is Ben Harper. 138 00:08:06,287 --> 00:08:07,879 Dentist. 139 00:08:07,927 --> 00:08:12,523 Yes. I want to talk about those Spandexed imbeciles on their bicycles. 140 00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:17,595 Eh? What is their problem? Don't the rules of the road apply to them? 141 00:08:17,647 --> 00:08:20,480 I'll tell you what I'd like to do to them, shall I? 142 00:08:22,727 --> 00:08:25,287 I'm caller number five? OK, yup. 143 00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:32,561 You should have heard me... airing my views. 144 00:08:33,887 --> 00:08:40,520 I was committed, forceful, persuasive, erudite. Is there another word? 145 00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:42,125 Boring? 146 00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:44,283 That's not the one I was searching for. 147 00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:47,558 - Concentrate on what's important here. - I thought I was. 148 00:08:47,607 --> 00:08:51,122 Look. I've got to beat Fat Hilary's fundraising effort 149 00:08:51,167 --> 00:08:55,206 and come up with a gourmet meal that will knock her sideways on Saturday. 150 00:08:55,247 --> 00:08:58,045 Your cooking's knocked people sideways before. 151 00:08:58,087 --> 00:09:01,238 Thank you. I'm going to need help from you. 152 00:09:01,287 --> 00:09:04,438 I'm always here for you, Susan. Except when I'm not. 153 00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:08,241 - Don't let me down on this. - When have I ever let you down? 154 00:09:08,287 --> 00:09:11,165 I'd tell you but I want to get to sleep before breakfast. 155 00:09:11,207 --> 00:09:15,325 If you could just help me come up with a decent fundraising idea. 156 00:09:15,367 --> 00:09:17,756 Come on, ask me anything. Day or night. 157 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,843 Thank you, darling. Let's start now. 158 00:09:19,887 --> 00:09:21,605 Now? 159 00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:24,085 Come on, a bit tricky. 160 00:09:24,127 --> 00:09:27,563 I've just turned the immersion off. I need a shower before the water turns tepid. 161 00:09:27,607 --> 00:09:32,727 Typical! I ask you for one little idea and all you can think about is yourself. 162 00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:34,359 Well, thank you, Ben! 163 00:09:38,407 --> 00:09:40,523 Oh... Thank you very much, Ben. 164 00:09:41,607 --> 00:09:43,120 A nude calendar? 165 00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:46,443 Of course, my plan is to use semi-naked men. 166 00:09:46,487 --> 00:09:47,806 Works for me. 167 00:09:47,847 --> 00:09:50,998 - Local shopkeepers and businessmen. - Oh. 168 00:09:51,047 --> 00:09:54,244 I'm going to need you to help me get this organised. 169 00:09:54,287 --> 00:09:58,963 I've only got an hour. Before I pick Kenzo up, I'm having lunch with Dominic. 170 00:09:59,007 --> 00:10:01,316 What? But I thought you hated him. 171 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:05,076 I did when we were six and we used to play doctors and nurses, 172 00:10:05,127 --> 00:10:06,799 but not any more. 173 00:10:06,847 --> 00:10:09,645 Judas! Consorting with the enemy. 174 00:10:09,687 --> 00:10:11,917 Why don't you just plunge a bread knife into my heart? 175 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:14,925 You don't think you're being just a tad over-dramatic. 176 00:10:14,967 --> 00:10:20,564 He's not your type. He's wholesome, decent, pure as the driven snow. 177 00:10:20,607 --> 00:10:22,518 I know. It's so attractive. 178 00:10:22,567 --> 00:10:25,684 Hey ho. Well, while you are here 179 00:10:25,727 --> 00:10:30,005 find me a photographer who doesn't mind taking pictures of half-naked men. 180 00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:33,562 No need. I can think of somebody. 181 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:38,123 Hot, semi-naked models? 182 00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:40,522 Mm-hm. 183 00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:43,957 Oh, yes. I'm in. 184 00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:49,764 OK. We're back. Joining me in the studio is Ben Harper - 185 00:10:49,807 --> 00:10:54,164 a local dentist who's caused a stir with his opinions on cyclists. Hello, Ben. 186 00:10:54,207 --> 00:10:56,118 Hello, London. 187 00:10:57,487 --> 00:11:00,320 The surgery number is 946-0109. 188 00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:04,201 That's 946-0109. That's no NHS. 189 00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,203 OK, Ben. Very good, very good. 190 00:11:07,247 --> 00:11:09,477 No. Seriously, no NHS. 191 00:11:09,527 --> 00:11:13,645 OK, Ben. You've obviously got a bee in your bonnet about cyclists, 192 00:11:13,687 --> 00:11:15,678 but there are environmental benefits. 193 00:11:15,727 --> 00:11:19,515 - Like what? - They don't burn petrol, Ben. 194 00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:24,197 Have you any idea how much pollution is caused in the manufacture of Lycra? 195 00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:26,156 No. 196 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:29,165 Well, neither have I but there must be a lot. 197 00:11:31,127 --> 00:11:34,324 I'm not suggesting that there should be some law passed 198 00:11:34,367 --> 00:11:39,361 which means cyclists should be rounded up and put in pens or camps... 199 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,477 if you like. 200 00:11:41,527 --> 00:11:45,679 But let's not rule anything out or, indeed, anything in. 201 00:11:48,287 --> 00:11:49,845 Oh! 202 00:11:49,887 --> 00:11:51,878 (Coughing) 203 00:11:51,927 --> 00:11:54,122 Oh, no! 204 00:12:02,767 --> 00:12:06,806 All smothered with a really thick cheese sauce. 205 00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:14,243 - Vegetable au gratin? - I'm amazed you can even recognise it. 206 00:12:15,087 --> 00:12:18,841 What am I going to do? I can't serve my guests burnt food. 207 00:12:18,887 --> 00:12:21,196 You always said the carbon was good for us. 208 00:12:22,647 --> 00:12:26,959 Someone hasn't been vigorous enough with the flour for the roux. 209 00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:32,559 - Is it supposed to be vigorous? - And where's the basil? II basilico? 210 00:12:32,607 --> 00:12:34,962 - Is that important? - Mais oui. 211 00:12:35,007 --> 00:12:40,923 And I bet you've had the oven at... Yeah. 280 degrees. 212 00:12:40,967 --> 00:12:45,836 - Isn't that right? - 200, Susan. 200. 213 00:12:49,087 --> 00:12:51,681 - How do you know all this? - Duh. 214 00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:54,366 Roger is only a brilliant chef. 215 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:58,764 He's like a Welsh Ken Hom, only not so French. 216 00:12:58,807 --> 00:13:01,196 Roger, I've just had a thought. 217 00:13:02,207 --> 00:13:06,120 How do you fancy cooking for our dinner party on Saturday? 218 00:13:07,007 --> 00:13:09,475 I would love to. 219 00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:14,317 A chance to work in a nice big kitchen like this. It's a dream come true. 220 00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:17,325 - Can I help, Rog? - Yes. You can be my sous. 221 00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:19,164 I like being Abi. 222 00:13:19,207 --> 00:13:20,845 Sous-chef, Abi. 223 00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,196 Oh, right. 224 00:13:25,287 --> 00:13:29,997 You wouldn't be doing this for nothing. Shall we say L150? 225 00:13:30,047 --> 00:13:33,801 - Sounds fair. - Sounds very fair. 226 00:13:42,047 --> 00:13:44,607 (Faint booing) 227 00:13:46,487 --> 00:13:50,162 Ben. Ben, have a look at this. He's fantastic. 228 00:13:50,207 --> 00:13:53,756 I've seen him do things with a marrow that'll make your eyes water. 229 00:13:53,807 --> 00:13:58,164 - Mouth water, Abi. - Oh, yeah. 230 00:13:58,207 --> 00:14:01,563 - You should give up dentistry. - And become a full-time cook? 231 00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:03,996 No. Just give up dentistry. 232 00:14:04,047 --> 00:14:06,561 Ben, I can't get the car out. 233 00:14:06,607 --> 00:14:09,997 I told you, reverse is hard across and back towards you. 234 00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:14,086 I can't get the car out because there are 50 cyclists blocking our drive. 235 00:14:14,127 --> 00:14:19,155 Morons! God! Under the law of trespass, you're entitled to mow them down. 236 00:14:19,207 --> 00:14:21,198 Morning, Roger, Abi. 237 00:14:21,247 --> 00:14:25,286 - You've started early. - Yes. We've got a lot of prep work for tonight. 238 00:14:25,327 --> 00:14:29,479 Abi and I will be serving broccoli and pear and stilton soup 239 00:14:29,527 --> 00:14:33,486 followed by mustard-glazed lamb chops. 240 00:14:33,527 --> 00:14:37,122 (French accent) Avec le braised red cabbages, rosemary potatoes 241 00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,681 and le caramelised carrots and parsnips. 242 00:14:42,887 --> 00:14:44,843 Sounds heavenly. 243 00:14:44,887 --> 00:14:47,481 (Crowd shout) Four wheels bad! Two wheels... 244 00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:51,202 The first two men are ready to be snapped in the garage. Where is Michael? 245 00:14:51,247 --> 00:14:54,523 Drowning himself in aftershave. What did you tell him? 246 00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:55,682 Nothing. 247 00:14:55,727 --> 00:14:59,800 How are things going with Dominic? You've been seeing quite a bit of him. 248 00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:03,476 I can't believe he's the person I used to play doctors and nurses with. 249 00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:07,679 He doesn't believe in sex before marriage and I've told him I feel the same. 250 00:15:09,727 --> 00:15:12,116 I think that particular boat has sailed. 251 00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:15,284 I think it's a microscopic dot on the horizon. 252 00:15:15,327 --> 00:15:17,636 (Sniffs and coughs) 253 00:15:18,687 --> 00:15:23,044 How do I look? I did push-ups. Where are my models? 254 00:15:23,087 --> 00:15:24,600 Waiting in the garage. 255 00:15:26,247 --> 00:15:28,317 (Crowd shout) Give us a C... C! 256 00:15:29,527 --> 00:15:32,405 - Give us a C? What are they spelling? - I don't know. 257 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:38,560 Hi, Alfie. Can't stop. Couple of hot models waiting for me. 258 00:15:38,607 --> 00:15:40,325 They are hot, right? 259 00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:42,927 Oh... Sssss! 260 00:15:42,967 --> 00:15:46,516 Fact. All supermodels marry photographers. 261 00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:50,526 It's a mutually-dependent, work-based relationship. They never last. 262 00:15:51,447 --> 00:15:54,086 They're models. 20 minutes will do me fine. 263 00:15:55,327 --> 00:15:57,602 (Crowd shouting) Give me a T... T! 264 00:15:57,647 --> 00:15:59,638 What have you got? Cyclist! 265 00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:01,643 Oh, "cyclist". 266 00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:06,519 Alfie? What are the coffee mugs for? 267 00:16:06,567 --> 00:16:09,684 Oh, just giving the cyclists some sustenance. 268 00:16:09,727 --> 00:16:12,719 They're extremely parched after their long vigil. 269 00:16:13,647 --> 00:16:17,765 Are you completely insane? They are picketing my house. 270 00:16:17,807 --> 00:16:21,436 They are keeping me awake. You do not give them coffee. 271 00:16:21,487 --> 00:16:23,921 Mr Harper, it's that sort of belligerence 272 00:16:23,967 --> 00:16:27,357 that has upset the cycling community in the first place. 273 00:16:27,407 --> 00:16:30,160 If you ask me, you should make some sort of gesture. 274 00:16:31,487 --> 00:16:33,842 I'm about to, Alfie. Believe me. 275 00:16:33,887 --> 00:16:37,038 I was going to suggest some sort of appeasement. 276 00:16:37,087 --> 00:16:40,443 Yes. You're making our lives hell. You have to apologise. 277 00:16:40,487 --> 00:16:44,275 I would rather have a chimp remove my spleen with rusty scissors. 278 00:16:44,327 --> 00:16:46,443 Be careful for what you wish. 279 00:16:47,447 --> 00:16:49,438 Remember, whatever happens tonight, 280 00:16:49,487 --> 00:16:52,559 Fat Hilary has to believe our lives are perfect. 281 00:16:52,607 --> 00:16:55,599 - I'm going to kill you! - Whoa! 282 00:16:58,927 --> 00:17:01,157 There are naked men... 283 00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:05,126 in our garage. 284 00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:08,757 Now, when you say perfect... 285 00:17:12,287 --> 00:17:14,278 It's all under control. 286 00:17:14,327 --> 00:17:18,445 Roger and Abi are hard at it in the kitchen, Janey's out with Dominic, 287 00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:21,001 Alfie's in his room, Michael's in the garage. 288 00:17:21,047 --> 00:17:23,845 - Has he stopped twitching? - Only just. 289 00:17:23,887 --> 00:17:27,846 But the L150 I gave him soon convinced him to carry on. 290 00:17:27,887 --> 00:17:32,722 Remember, whatever the Jessops suggest, our lives have been brilliant. 291 00:17:32,767 --> 00:17:35,440 - (Doorbell) - What have our lives been? 292 00:17:36,487 --> 00:17:38,284 Er, brilliant? 293 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,839 Are you ready for this? Hurry, hurry! Go! 294 00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:45,003 (Crowd shouting) 295 00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:47,766 (Ben) You morons! 296 00:17:48,847 --> 00:17:51,600 I've just been pelted with eggs by those cyclists. 297 00:17:51,647 --> 00:17:55,356 Sorry. Chap next door's been causing quite a fuss. Ben Harper. 298 00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:58,922 - Richard Jessop. - Really? So sorry. Come through. 299 00:17:58,967 --> 00:18:01,959 Ben, do the drinks while I check on the food. 300 00:18:02,007 --> 00:18:04,202 - Can I help, Susan? - No! I mean... 301 00:18:04,247 --> 00:18:07,603 You just relax. I invited you, remember? 302 00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:13,846 Roger? 303 00:18:15,487 --> 00:18:16,806 Roger? 304 00:18:16,847 --> 00:18:20,442 Sorry about that, Susan. Just maintaining the subterfuge. 305 00:18:24,127 --> 00:18:28,245 - How's everything going? - Oh, it's absolutely (bleep!) brilliant. 306 00:18:29,607 --> 00:18:31,837 He's been working his (bleep!) socks off. 307 00:18:31,887 --> 00:18:35,243 You wait till you get your (bleep!) lips around that (bleep!) knife. 308 00:18:35,287 --> 00:18:39,326 It's going to fall off the (bleep!) bone. It's a (bleep!) triumph. 309 00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:42,962 I wish I'd taken her to see Gary Rhodes instead of Gordon Ramsay. 310 00:18:43,007 --> 00:18:44,486 I'll settle her down. 311 00:18:44,527 --> 00:18:48,281 I don't mean to be rude, Susan, but you'd best leave us to it. 312 00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:50,124 The (bleep!) clock's ticking here. 313 00:18:54,207 --> 00:18:57,005 Honestly, Dominic, I am happy to wait. 314 00:19:00,647 --> 00:19:02,956 Ooh. Sorry. 315 00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:08,165 - Lime cordial's going to my head. - Janey, I should just come clean. 316 00:19:08,207 --> 00:19:12,519 The reason I'm saving myself is because I have intimacy issues. 317 00:19:14,807 --> 00:19:16,877 My counsellor has told me it all stems 318 00:19:16,927 --> 00:19:19,361 from a game of doctors and nurses when I was six. 319 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:21,846 Oh. 320 00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:28,882 Just out of interest, do you happen to remember who played the nurse? 321 00:19:28,927 --> 00:19:31,999 No. Her face is still just a blur. 322 00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:35,198 Most of the time she had her skirt over her head. 323 00:19:35,247 --> 00:19:38,637 Thank God... I mean, what a pity. 324 00:19:39,647 --> 00:19:42,207 That lamb was amazing, Susan. 325 00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:45,045 Yes. Very nice. Any more? 326 00:19:45,087 --> 00:19:48,636 Do you want me to go and ask? I mean, check. Check. 327 00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,803 No, no. Richard won't have any more. 328 00:19:52,127 --> 00:19:55,676 I understand your eldest son's a merchant banker. 329 00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:57,797 Mm. Is he ever. 330 00:19:59,807 --> 00:20:02,560 More wine, Ricardo? 331 00:20:03,687 --> 00:20:06,838 And their daughter has a little boy called Kenzo. 332 00:20:06,887 --> 00:20:10,277 Strange name. What does his father do? 333 00:20:10,327 --> 00:20:13,205 Impregnates college students and scarpers. 334 00:20:13,247 --> 00:20:14,965 Ben. 335 00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:17,567 Did I tell you our lives are brilliant? 336 00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:20,838 - (Phone) - The answering machine can get that. 337 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,605 (Machine bleeps) 338 00:20:22,647 --> 00:20:26,879 (Roger) Susan, it's me. We can't find the cheese board. 339 00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:29,885 (Abi) It's all right. I found it in the (bleepl) cupboard... 340 00:20:31,887 --> 00:20:35,846 Reverend Thomas and his wife. Always losing things. 341 00:20:35,887 --> 00:20:38,196 Oh, no. 342 00:20:38,247 --> 00:20:41,205 - And who's this? - Alfie's staying with us. 343 00:20:41,247 --> 00:20:43,363 We like to support young artists. 344 00:20:43,407 --> 00:20:46,479 Or indeed anyone who knocks on the front door. 345 00:20:46,527 --> 00:20:49,325 I've finished your hit single, Mrs Harper. 346 00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:53,997 Did you hear that, Hilary? Hit single. That'll help the nursery. 347 00:20:54,047 --> 00:20:58,245 - You don't have to play it now, Alfie. - No, no. It's OK. 348 00:20:58,287 --> 00:21:02,963 ♪ Why bother giving money to the homeless and the poor 349 00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:07,641 ♪ When there's an extra special cause right here 350 00:21:07,687 --> 00:21:10,918 ♪ That needs your cash much more 351 00:21:10,967 --> 00:21:14,039 ♪ Kenzo's school 352 00:21:14,567 --> 00:21:17,240 ♪ Kenzo's school 353 00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:23,521 ♪ Those over-privileged toddlers need some playmats and the rule 354 00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:27,003 ♪ Oh-oh-oh, Kenzo's school 355 00:21:27,047 --> 00:21:28,526 ♪ Kenzo's school... ♪ 356 00:21:28,567 --> 00:21:31,798 Yes. Thank you very much, Alfie. 357 00:21:31,847 --> 00:21:35,203 I was thinking of calling it Kenzo's School. 358 00:21:36,487 --> 00:21:39,797 I gathered that. We'll give you a call. Thanks, Alfie. 359 00:21:39,847 --> 00:21:44,523 Mrs Harper, if it's OK with you, I think I'll take some soup to the cyclists. 360 00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:49,721 Cycl?! You will not... You will not feed those Lycra-clad vermin! 361 00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:51,883 - You don't like cyclists? - Love 'em... 362 00:21:51,927 --> 00:21:54,566 under the wheels of a juggernaut. 363 00:21:54,607 --> 00:21:58,361 - I'm a cyclist. - Yeah? I thought you might be. 364 00:21:58,407 --> 00:22:02,002 I think it's motorists that are the bigger threat. 365 00:22:02,047 --> 00:22:07,201 Only a few days ago, I was innocently cycling into Hollywell Avenue 366 00:22:07,247 --> 00:22:11,320 when a maniac in a blue Saab nearly ran me down. 367 00:22:11,367 --> 00:22:15,645 I bounced off his wing. Lucky not to be killed. 368 00:22:15,687 --> 00:22:17,484 Well, it's not too late. 369 00:22:18,647 --> 00:22:20,638 You're getting a bill for a scratched wing. 370 00:22:20,687 --> 00:22:23,804 - You! - You! You gave me a V sign! 371 00:22:23,847 --> 00:22:26,486 What did you think you were playing at? 372 00:22:26,527 --> 00:22:29,678 Observing the Highway Code, which is more than cyclists ever do! 373 00:22:29,727 --> 00:22:34,721 - I've a mind to smack you in the mouth. - Really? Try. I can fix my own teeth. 374 00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:45,724 (Ben) Don't you get me! 375 00:22:45,767 --> 00:22:47,439 Not the Pavlova! 376 00:22:51,487 --> 00:22:55,002 He spent ages on that, you (bleep!) Philistines! 377 00:22:57,567 --> 00:22:59,762 Did I tell you how brilliant our lives are? 378 00:23:11,207 --> 00:23:14,802 Susan, you'll never guess what's happened. Fantastic news! 379 00:23:14,847 --> 00:23:19,125 - I know. The calendars have arrived. - That's not what I was going to say. 380 00:23:19,167 --> 00:23:21,635 So? What do you think? 381 00:23:21,687 --> 00:23:24,520 I worked hard on these... by myself. 382 00:23:24,567 --> 00:23:27,161 OK. Let's have a... Oh dear, oh dear. 383 00:23:27,207 --> 00:23:29,437 I'm not sure about Mr February. 384 00:23:29,487 --> 00:23:33,480 Yes. First time I've ever looked at someone and mentally dressed them. 385 00:23:33,527 --> 00:23:35,961 Anyway, the order book's full. 386 00:23:36,007 --> 00:23:38,726 That's one in the eye for Fat Hilary. 387 00:23:38,767 --> 00:23:42,840 Darling, did you check these before you sent them to the printer's? 388 00:23:42,887 --> 00:23:44,525 Yes, of course I did. 389 00:23:44,567 --> 00:23:48,082 Did you notice anything... in the mirror? 390 00:23:50,127 --> 00:23:52,197 - Oh, my God. - Oh, yes. 391 00:23:52,247 --> 00:23:54,317 You can see everything they've got. 392 00:23:54,367 --> 00:23:57,962 And I don't mean just courgettes and baps either. 393 00:23:58,007 --> 00:23:59,804 Ooh! 394 00:23:59,847 --> 00:24:01,838 You can see everything on all of them. 395 00:24:01,887 --> 00:24:04,037 - Ooh. - Oh, God. 396 00:24:04,087 --> 00:24:06,647 What am I going to do? I've got 3,000 of these. 397 00:24:06,687 --> 00:24:09,997 Sorry, darling. I'm expected down at the TV station. 398 00:24:10,047 --> 00:24:11,958 - What? - Yup. That was my news. 399 00:24:12,007 --> 00:24:14,282 They want to do a live interview. 400 00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:16,477 Well, isn't that just tickety-boo? 401 00:24:16,527 --> 00:24:20,122 The calendars have flopped - unlike Mr September. 402 00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:25,366 And big fat Hilary's going to crow louder than a... big fat crow. 403 00:24:25,407 --> 00:24:27,921 But all you can do is think about yourself. 404 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,606 Well, go to your precious TV interview. 405 00:24:30,647 --> 00:24:35,675 Make it impossible for us to leave our own home. Ruin your family's life forever. 406 00:24:35,727 --> 00:24:37,718 OK. Be back about seven. 407 00:24:53,207 --> 00:24:54,686 Ironic, really. 408 00:24:54,727 --> 00:24:58,959 Having messed up so many men, I finally meet a man I really like 409 00:24:59,007 --> 00:25:02,158 only to find I've done the damage 18 years earlier. 410 00:25:02,207 --> 00:25:04,516 If I could go back in time, I could... 411 00:25:05,527 --> 00:25:07,802 No. My skirt would still be up. 412 00:25:07,847 --> 00:25:10,759 - Are you all right, Mum? - Just tense. 413 00:25:10,807 --> 00:25:13,367 God knows what your father's going to say. 414 00:25:13,407 --> 00:25:14,840 It's on. 415 00:25:14,887 --> 00:25:16,684 (TV) Meanwhile, in leafy west London, 416 00:25:16,727 --> 00:25:19,844 dentist, Ben Harper, has been stirring up a hornet's nest 417 00:25:19,887 --> 00:25:22,037 with his outspoken views on cyclists. 418 00:25:22,087 --> 00:25:24,123 How did he get through that mob? 419 00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:29,116 Ben, this isn't the look I was expecting. 420 00:25:29,167 --> 00:25:33,638 - I thought you hated cyclists. - Oh, Trevor, Trevor, Trevor. 421 00:25:33,687 --> 00:25:38,397 No, no, no. My words have been taken completely out of context. 422 00:25:38,447 --> 00:25:40,802 You called them "lentil-munching pansies." 423 00:25:41,807 --> 00:25:43,957 Let's not nit-pick, Trevor. 424 00:25:44,007 --> 00:25:45,998 I'm here to set the record straight. 425 00:25:46,047 --> 00:25:49,642 I mean, to me cyclists are the salt of the earth. 426 00:25:49,687 --> 00:25:53,236 - What's Dad doing? - Something he's never done before. 427 00:25:53,287 --> 00:25:57,200 - What? - The right thing. 428 00:25:57,247 --> 00:26:01,160 And to prove my commitment, I'm going on the West London Bike-athon. 429 00:26:01,207 --> 00:26:05,758 With all the proceeds going to the Beaker Street nursery school. 430 00:26:05,807 --> 00:26:10,278 I've never been so proud of Ben as I am right now. 431 00:26:13,647 --> 00:26:16,286 It's all right. All the cyclists are leaving. 432 00:26:17,287 --> 00:26:19,642 It's just like the end of Zulu. 433 00:26:20,647 --> 00:26:22,285 (Doorbell) 434 00:26:23,287 --> 00:26:25,323 Hilary. Please come in. 435 00:26:29,207 --> 00:26:33,758 I've been meaning to call you to apologise for last week's dinner party. 436 00:26:33,807 --> 00:26:39,677 Well, I imagine you've had other things to occupy you. Like the calendars. 437 00:26:39,727 --> 00:26:43,003 - Oh. You've heard. - Word gets around. 438 00:26:43,047 --> 00:26:44,924 I am so sorry. 439 00:26:44,967 --> 00:26:49,757 Of course, it does mean I have raised a lot more money than you. 440 00:26:49,807 --> 00:26:52,958 Hilary, it doesn't even matter any more 441 00:26:53,007 --> 00:26:55,475 because something wonderful just happened. 442 00:26:55,527 --> 00:26:57,438 My husband swallowed his pride 443 00:26:57,487 --> 00:27:00,524 and did something to save the sanity of his family. 444 00:27:00,567 --> 00:27:04,116 My daughter turned her life around - albeit for two days. 445 00:27:04,167 --> 00:27:08,604 And my son has taken obscene photographs. 446 00:27:09,647 --> 00:27:12,036 I'm so proud of them all. 447 00:27:13,807 --> 00:27:17,641 What? Hilary, what's the matter? There, there. Sit down. 448 00:27:17,687 --> 00:27:19,484 Oh, Susan... 449 00:27:19,527 --> 00:27:24,396 - Why can't my life be like yours? - I'm sorry? But your life is perfect. 450 00:27:24,447 --> 00:27:26,961 It is not. Believe me, it is not. 451 00:27:27,007 --> 00:27:30,363 It is a sham from top to bottom. 452 00:27:30,407 --> 00:27:33,046 My husband is having an affair, 453 00:27:33,087 --> 00:27:35,999 my eldest son is sexually confused 454 00:27:36,047 --> 00:27:40,120 and his younger brother is doing time in Ford Open Prison. 455 00:27:40,167 --> 00:27:43,955 Oh, Hilary. I had no idea. 456 00:27:44,007 --> 00:27:45,998 I'm so sorry. 457 00:27:46,047 --> 00:27:48,083 I just had to get it off my chest. 458 00:27:48,127 --> 00:27:51,597 - Here you are. Drink this, Fat Hilary. - Thank you. 459 00:27:54,767 --> 00:27:57,042 I won't encroach on your evening any more. 460 00:27:57,087 --> 00:27:59,999 Thank you for being honest with me. 461 00:28:00,047 --> 00:28:04,563 Hilary, you have so much to offer, you've got your whole life ahead of you 462 00:28:04,607 --> 00:28:07,519 and you've lost so much weight. 463 00:28:08,607 --> 00:28:12,282 And if you need anything, day or night, just call. 464 00:28:12,327 --> 00:28:14,522 Thank you, Susan. Goodbye. 465 00:28:14,567 --> 00:28:15,886 Goodbye. 466 00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:21,756 Yes! I win! 467 00:28:23,487 --> 00:28:24,966 Whee! 468 00:28:26,887 --> 00:28:29,481 It made sense, darling. 469 00:28:29,527 --> 00:28:34,521 It was a sacrifice I was prepared to make for you and... the family. 470 00:28:36,087 --> 00:28:38,885 That and the fact I couldn't get the car out. 471 00:28:40,167 --> 00:28:43,637 And there was no way I was going to walk to work every day. 472 00:28:43,687 --> 00:28:46,201 - I love a man with principles. - I know. 473 00:28:48,127 --> 00:28:49,446 Goodbye. 474 00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:55,207 Ben, what else did you say on that programme? 475 00:28:55,247 --> 00:28:57,602 Well, nothing much. I think... 476 00:28:58,607 --> 00:29:02,077 Ah, yes. I may have mentioned... 477 00:29:02,127 --> 00:29:04,721 that all builders are shiftless cowboys.